Kitchenability Blog

07.20.2017

“Can I get out of Bed?”

New series: My first year of motherhood. The trials, tears, love, and joy.

Day 2 Unemployed and Pregnant Jan.8. 2016

I woke up to the buzz of my phone and the rustling of Archer (my dog) attempting to snuggle with me.  I looked down at my phone and my emotions came surging back. It was a former student who I had worked with for a long time. The images of getting handed my general release forms, my glasses falling off my face, and hitting the conference room floor flooded my mind. My prior employers just blankly stared at me as I wailed on the conference room floor apologizing formally. The demoralizing walk of shame couldn’t escape my mind.

I rolled over on my side holding my belly, laying there thinking “why?”As a cloud of negative thoughts tried to raid my mind, my dream from the night before of my daughter came crawling back to me. In my dream, she had soft brown hair and big green eyes that stared right up at me.I saw Archer curled up in her crib next to her. It was pure bliss. A sense of overwhelming joy came over me. She was a toddler in my dream with a spunky, bright personality filled with extreme curiosity. It was what I needed to get me out of bed. My little Eleanor will grow into her own little personality and look at me as her hero. I have to stay strong for her.

I rolled my pregnant ass out of bed and looked in the mirror at my pale, messy haired self, then congratulated myself on my shingles rash almost being gone. I got dressed, put makeup on, went down stairs and sipped a cup of coffee. I looked down at the clock reading 9:32 am,  looked over at Archer curled up on the pillows, then my focus was interrupted by Eleanor kicking me. I took a deep breath and said, “It’s day two, you will get through this day, life will go on.”

I feel I was treated unfairly but was I actually treated unfairly? I don’t know, nor will I ever know.  I do know that I have a daughter who will make her debut in 4 months. I need to focus on her arrival. At the end of the day, she is my reason for getting out of bed.

As the night draws to a close I made another meal of what we had lingering in the fridge. I still feel ashamed and don’t want to talk about the events of yesterday. I am still in denial. Then Eleanor kicks me hard in the ribs, reminding me she’s with me. It makes me smile. I tell her how I’m going to stay strong for her.

Note:

As mothers we do go to dark places at times and go through many different things, we are exhausted,  and we need a place where we can relate. We search mommy blogs for relatability, for inclusion, and to not to feel alone. Please comment and tell me your stories. This series is for all mothers.

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