Setting Goals, Second Trimester.
Day 4 pregnant and unemployed
New series: My first year of motherhood. The trials, tears, love, and joy.
It all started a year ago. It is personal, it is raw, and it is scary to share. Here are my journal entries, it has been a hard year, I am finally ready to share. I will be sharing my story in a series starting from last year to now.
23 weeks pregnant. Second trimester.
Eleanor is doing well; my bump feels like it’s growing each day. I recently looked at myself and said: “I seriously look pregnant now?” My boobs have decided to grow into melons; I am a fucking 34 D now! My dreams have been wild lately filled with images of bridges and water, along with getting wild haircuts as I cry through them. You have to love these pregnancy dreams.
There are so many things I could dwell on right now if I wanted to. Losing my job while pregnant fucking sucks, but I know I am not the only mom who has ever gone through this. Moms need to speak up and tell each other their stories. We need to be ok with being raw and willing to unite together.
Life is not fair, why was I chosen to handle this curve ball, I will never know. I have to grab my pregnant belly, smile and say “I am fighting, and making it work for this tiny human growing inside me!” She will get me addicted to coffee, more than I already am. She will deprive me of sleep, and my social life, yet through it all, I can’t wait to meet her.
I do feel alone sometimes, shit I feel like crap most days. The couple things on my list are to go grocery shopping and clean my house. My focus is on making my home a better place. I will be here for a while, so I need to make it a space I feel calm in. I don’t know what my next move will be. All I know is that I will be a mother in 4 months. I will be the caregiver, a food source, and have a baby girl entirely reliant on me. I will watch her grow, take her first steps, and say her first words. I am focused on her right now. Yes, would love having a job with the salary, along with human interaction instead of always feeling alone, but I am starting to understand why this happened. I want to be a mom, and the person Eleanor turns to for guidance, strength, love, and support. I want to be there for her when she needs me.
I have given myself a goal, despite how little it is; I am going to clean my house! I am scrubbing my house from top to bottom. Then I am going to cook a delicious dinner! Setting goals for myself help me get through the semi-monotony of each day since being let go.
Before cleaning or cooking consumes my day, I will sip a cup of coffee on the couch while watching Rachel Ray. If you don’t know, she is my idol. I know that sounds super corny, but she is. She is the one person who helped me find my passion for cooking next to my mother and grandmother. I have written to this woman for years, hoping to meet her. I am that fan. Rachel Ray is someone I would love to cook alongside with one day. When I was on my book tour, my team and I contacted her show. I dedicated my book to her, so yeah, call me a Rachael Ray fan. Also, I cook with her cookware, no this is not a marking ad…I wish.
I know I am ending this entry a little abruptly. I blame it on the pregnancy hormones, and my brain is all over the place.
As mothers we do go to dark places at times and go through many different things, we are exhausted, and we need a place where we can relate. We search mommy blogs for reliability, for inclusion, and to not to feel alone. Please comment and tell me your stories. This series is for all mothers.