What do I do now?
New series: My first year of motherhood. The trials, tears, love, and joy.
It all started a year ago. It is personal, it is raw, and it is scary to share. Here are my personal journal entries, it has been a hard year, I am finally ready to share. I will be sharing my story in a series starting from last year to now.
Day 1: January 7, 2016, from my journal. Losing my Job.
“Pregnant and Unemployed” What Now?
Sitting in a house of pure silence, when I am used to the noise of the office, all I hear around me is the outside noise of my neighbors, my computer fan, and Archer(my dog) moving around on the couch as he snores away. This is my first day officially unemployed and pregnant. Jan.7.2016
Life takes crazy unexpected turns, It is hard to not realize I didn’t fail. It is hard to not think that let my family down or my un born baby girl. This loss is hard. I keep asking myself the dreaded question, why me? Why did this happen? Was it for the better? Now I am in limbo wondering what my next move will be. Where do I go? What to do? I am a fighter, I will persevere, but Let’s be real here, who the fuck hires someone 6 months pregnant.
Being 6 months pregnant and losing your job is kind of an outer body experience. I didn’t lose my job based on my performance they were downsizing; they cut my department, which meant my job altogether. I was a great employee, with bad luck. As the first day ends, I am trying to stay strong. The unknown is terrifying to me. I am constantly kicking myself in the ass for not having a higher degree to get me further ahead, and realizing my plan has been somewhat squashed.
I know this time at home will be great for me, and will help me transition into motherhood. It will allow me to find myself and allow me to realize that I have an ultimate purpose above appeasing those who sign my paycheck.
As I look around my house it is a true disaster. The laundry isn’t done, I left the lasagna out overnight, the bathrooms are messy, and there are no groceries in the fridge. As I just sit at the kitchen table with my laptop and write, I want to scream, yell, cry, and stomp my feet like a toddler. I am just wondering, how long will this limbo go on for? How long will my house stay like this? When will I feel the energy to clean it? How long?
As I feel my baby kick, and feel her tiny little movements, a smile emerges across my face. I say to myself “she is my purpose.” I have to eat now, though I don’t feel like it. She doesn’t know what’s going on, and she will love me no matter what. I feel those kicks and it’s a reminder as to why I got out of bed today, why I know through this change and transition I have to fight, and why I will keep positive, or at least try.
Money is tight, things will change, and life will go on. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, maybe a coffee and a toasted bagel with cream cheese, while possibly still in jammies, but that is all I can plan for right now. I don’t have deadlines anymore, I don’t have meetings, and I can wear leggings every day. The silence is crazy, the loneliness my get to me after a while, but for now, I will stay strong. I will mend myself back together.
I don’t know how long the pieces will take to put back together, but I will get there. This is a financial loss, a loss of school, job, and security. I am out alone, no direction, and completely venerable for the first time in a long time.